Bored of the Rings
by labonath151
Summary: Frodo needs to bring the ring to Mordor. Alex needs to help them. Smithers tases. Frodo's a frog. Will they arrive? Will Gandalf ride the Mario rainbow? Is Sam on the Biggest Loser? Only one way to find out. Plus, Mrs. Jones spits peppermints. It's funny. But incomplete.
1. Chapter 1: Arrogant and Spy

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, and more!

**One day I was doing who-knows-what, and I thought: Alex RIDER, STRIDER ... Alex stRider! So, I started doing this. My friends think it's hilarious, but let's see what you say. In short, it's a random narrative combining the kid-spy Alex Rider and the JRR Tolkien series the Lord of the RIngs, but putting the characters out-of-character and generally bashing them. ENJOY!**

**Chapter 1: Arrogant and spy**

Alex Strider grinned from ear to ear. He was very excited. He was going the get a new mission today! Although he hated missions (since they destroyed his life and ruined his family and nearly got him killed and they hurt him and they etc...), he couldn't stop asking for more. "Love to hate," he would always say.

This day was special because it was his birthday. As he walked into the building, the secretary paged Alan Blunt and Mr. Jones. "Excuse me sir, there's a boy in a party hat and a wolverine mask claiming to be Alex Strider." In the background, the pair heard a scream and a growling. Glass shattered in the background. Alan grumbled. "Send him in." They only had to wait five minutes for Alex Strider to appear in the office on Liverpool Street. Alex seemed very pleased with himself.

"It's my birthday today!" he said. Alan Blunt nodded "Good for you. But we have important matters to discuss." Before Mrs. Jones could pull out another peppermint, Alex was in the air, spinning, trying to pull off one of his 'cool' karate moves. After he had fallen to the floor in a heap, he got up again and said, "I call that one 'Kicky Foot'!" Mrs. Jones swallowed a whole peppermint by accident and started choking. "BLEGH! ABEDOOBLEGHBLOOGH!" she coughed. Alan Blunt and Alex Strider raced for her, Alan Blunt getting there first because she was right beside him. He performed the Heimlich Manoeuvre, the peppermint shooting out of her mouth. Alex was still dashing in slow-mo across to her when the peppermint hit him straight on the forehead. He fell to the floor.

"That..." he said woozily "...is what I call the 'Peppermint Shoot-of-Doom'!" He fell unconscious. Alan Blunt smiled. "Can I slap him?" "NO!" Mrs. Jones said. Alan Blunt slapped him. Alex jerked a foot off the floor and woke up. "SORRY!" he screamed. "I'll be better Mommy." Alan rolled his eyes. "Sit down and shut up, if you will." Alex sat down and shut up.

"Your mission is very important," said Alan Blunt. "The one–"

"SMITHERS!" Alex yelled. "OH, SMITHERS!"

"What in cow's name are you DOING!" Mrs. Jones said, a strict look on her face.

"Sorry."

"Anyways," said Alan, "you are going to be sent to Middle-Earth to assist a midget–"

"Hobbit," corrected Mrs. Jones.

"Will you keep your mouth closed?" Mrs. Jones opened a new package of peppermints. "You must help Frodo and Sam bring the magical ring of power to the crack of doom–" Alex giggled. Mrs. Jones spat a peppermint at his face, quieting him. "...and help restore general peace to Middle-Earth."

Alex smiled. "I am super-cool at surfing and base jumping and tight-rope walking and cool escapes and awesome stuff, so this should be a blast!" Alan Blunt smiled. "Sure." Secretly, he knew that it was going to be a deadly mission. He had watched the movies. Sauron was too powerful for Alex Strider – so he thought…

**I sincerely hope you enjoyed this. For fans of LotR, next chapter some Middle-Earth action. For fans of Alex Strider and LotR or even bot, there will be several chapters involving both of them and giving each series a time to shine in the light of shame. So read much, review oftern.**


	2. Chapter 2: FREE FOOD!

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics, and MORE!

**It gets interesting as we move to Middle-Earth, where Bilbo Baggins is preparing a party to celebrate his eleventy-first (111) birthday! We'll hear from the wise Gaffer, plus Frodo's a frogand Gandalf is a ninja.**

**Chapter 2: FREE FOOD!**

All the people in the Shire were very excited. Bilbo Baggins was going to throw a party. But not like the boring party that was thrown at the Green Dragon, a big party with fireworks and tents and food and all that good stuff that hobbits love. Of course, the Gaffer had something or two to say about this.

"We all know Bilbo's queer, there's no doubt about that. I know as well as you. But still, there's only one thing to say about the party: FREE FOOD!" The other hobbits nodded and applauded. The Gaffer's words were always recognized as the wise thing to say, and so all the hobbits from the Shire to Bree were repeating over and over again: FREE FOOD!

Gandalf came down the main lane a few days before the party. Frodo, hiding in a nearby bush, jumped out and yelled "SURPRISE!" The horses on Gandalf's carriage were scared and reared, tipping the chariot back. Gandalf fell back, landing and doing a back somersault. He jumped up and shouted out a bunch of Elfish words, turning Frodo into a frog. Frodo shot out his tongue at Gandalf, hitting him directly on the nose. Gandalf muttered a few words, turning Frodo back into a hobbit and holding him up to eye level. "Who's this?" Gandalf said. "I seem to have forgotten my eye-glasses!"

Frodo smiled. "AO!" Gandalf dropped Frodo. "Frodo! Why, it's been a long time since I've seen you!" Frodo just frowned, rubbing his head, and said, "You're late."

"I am never late, nor early. I arrive precisely on time!" Frodo laughed. "What about the time–"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Gandalf yelled. His contacts popped out. "Do you want me to turn you into a frog?" They both started laughing uncontrollably. They didn't stop until they arrived back at Bag End. Bilbo gave Frodo the evil eye.

When the inhabitants of Hobbiton heard that Gandalf had arrived, they all jumped up and said FREE FOOD! That was, until old Gaffer said more in a press conference that aired all the way from Hobbiton to the furthest reaches of the East. Saruman even invited Sauron over for a popcorn party, but he just replied with 'I CAN SEEEE YOU!' Everyone from the Grey Haven to Gollum tuned on to Channel 45 to see what the Gaffer had to say.

"Well, you know Mr. Bilbo Baggins as well as I do. And we know that there are queer folk. We all know that hobbits have hair on their feet. But I get off track. Mr. Bilbo Baggins certainly knows how to throw a party. Even though queer folk pour in – dwarves and who-knows-what – I can see a wonderful party full of food, and presents – presents for all. My Sam has been in there, and he knows everything about the party. And I'm not gonna tell you, HAHAHAHAHAHA! OH! And there'll be fireworks! Final word about it, I say: TOMORROW!"

And so, all the hobbits went up to Bilbo and yelled TOMORROW, while they wanted to actually say 'My, those are some beautiful fireworks!'

**PLEASE give reviews! MUST HAVE! More to come later, I hope you're laughing. In the future of this story: Winnie the Pooh, The Biggest Loser, Iron Man, and A WHOLE LOT MORE!(By the way, future means DISTANT future. Some of these won't be until the end.)**


	3. Chapter 3: Heavy to Pants

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics

**This chapter was a lot of fun to write. It is a transcript from Baggins' birthday, and someone gets a little heavy to pantsfrom an expanding source. Also, half as blah ad half of you parody-type thing.**

**Chapter 3: Heavy to Pants  
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The day of the party arrived. It's was a wonderful party! There was food (in case you don't know, most hobbits are fat) and drink and gifts for all, plus a speech that bored most people. Here is the transcript:

Bilbo: Hello!

Everyone: Hi.

(At this point, most were bored from the prospect that there was going to be a speech at all)

Bilbo: Hello Tooks and Brandybucks, and Sackville-Bagginses, and Proudfoots, and

Proudfoot: Proud_feet!_

Bilbo: Proudfoots. Baggins, and – oh, what the heck? Moving on: today we are here for a special occasion: to celebrate my birthday! I know half of you half as well as I'd like to know you, and half of you eat half as much as you ought to, and half of a quarter of you are half of an eighth of the height as a quarter of a half of you!

(As you might not know, hobbits are usually terrible mathematicians, and they had absolutely no idea of what Bilbo said. They thought long, and most of them banged their heads on the table. Hobbits are fat AND dumb.)

Bilbo: We are also here to celebrate the thirty-third birthday of my nephew... or is he my cousin? You know, Tolkien never really specifies... but on with it. I have been feeling rather sick for the past little while. At first I thought it was fever or something, but eventually I figured out that it is cancer.

(All the hobbits look at each other and shrug. You see, hobbits are supposedly immune to disease, and they'd never even heard of cancer (you see, it's a thing of the future))

Bilbo: I picked it up from a dragon once while travelling in the Misty Mountains, but that's another story for another time. But there won't be another time, because I am leaving. You all suck. BYE!

And with that, Bilbo slipped his hand in his pocket. Nothing happened. "Oh no, it appears I left it on my mantle! One moment if you will..." Bilbo slipped out the door of the tent and went inside the house. He picked up a little ring. But it seemed to grow in size and become heavier. He put it in his pocket. He walked back into the tent. A few seconds earlier, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins had said: "Worse, he says a gross of hobbits!" (In hobbit talk, for some reason, (probably one of those fool Tooks) a hobbit called a grouping of 144 a gross. And it's rude to say it about hobbits, since it's like a lump sum.)

Bilbo stood up back on the table. His pants fell off his legs. He turned a shade of red (you could see it on his legs) and he pulled them back up. Whistles and hoots were heard, at which point Bilbo yelled out in frustration: "OK, I'm going, you GROSS OF HOBBITS!" And with that he disappeared. "How VULGAR!" Lobelia said. Frodo stood up. "Alright, party's done, GET OUT OF HERE OR I'LL MURDER YOU WITH THE DRAGON FIREWORK!" Everyone left.

Back in his little hole at Bag End, Bilbo laughed. "I sure fooled them!" Gandalf suddenly jumped out of the fire. "AAAAAHHHHHH!" he yelled, stopped, dropped, and rolled. The fire went out. Gandalf swore in the Gandalf language. "Bilbo, you old fool! How many times have I told you to put out your fire because I'm coming down the chimney?"

Bilbo shrugged. "It was his fault!" He pointed at the ring. Gandalf's eyes bulged, and almost popped out of his head. He quickly pushed them back. "Bilbo, I am glad that you are parting with the–"

"My PREEECIOUS!" Bilbo said in a dark and foreboding tone. He then got up and did the can-can. "WHOOO!" he exclaimed. "Rings and cake give me sugar rushes!" He danced around for five minutes before Gandalf slammed his staff into the side of Bilbo's head.

"OW!" Bilbo said. "SHUT UP!" Gandalf said. Bilbo did. "Good, I suppose you are leaving the ring to Frodo." Bilbo nodded. "Good. Put it on the mantle and GIT!" Bilbo did so, and left, singing: "The road goes ever on and on… until it goes off a cliff and you follow it and you die…" Gandalf sighed, and shut the door behind Bilbo. He had a lot to discuss with Frodo.

**I'm working on more chapters! I hope people are reading this! Next: Back to the future? No, forward to the past!**

**And, by the way, I love these series. I don't hate them. Which gives me all the more right to do this ;P**


	4. Chapter 4: Back to the Present

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics

Mr. **Bean is just one of the new parodies, along with that old scientist guy from a popular movie... Stupidness ensues (obviously)**

**Chapter 4: Back to the Present**

Alex Strider was in Smithers' office, where he would receive new special gadgets to help him. Smithers wasn't there, so he practiced his Mr. Bean impression. He scrunched up his face and started grunting. Next, he got up and jumped around awkwardly. By the time Smithers entered, he was flailing around on the floor, laughing weirdly. Smithers pulled his Taser and shot a few hundred volts at Alex. He was lifted up to the ceiling, where he grabbed. The ends of his hair were burnt, and when Smithers pulled him down, all he could say was "AAHH! AyayAH!" Smithers rolled his eyes and slapped Alex, smiling with pleasure. He wished he could take a shot gun to the boy's head.

"Alex, this mission will be very dangerous. First off, to get to Middle-Earth, you will need a time machine. It will be a DeLorean, and a strange old professor will be showing you how to drive it. Watch out – we have assassins ready to go for him after he's given you the rundown." Alex, now almost in his right mind, nodded, although the there was a smirk on his face from the electricity. "Also, you will be given some of the newest technology from SW INC.: a LIGHTSABER OF DOOM!" It will be purple…" Alex smiled. "Because that's my favourite colour!"

Smithers nodded. "Yup. And finally, we're giving you a nuclear bomb." Alex's eyes went wide, and he got up and started dancing. Smithers tased him again. Alex calmed down. "I'm just kidding. We're actually giving you an invisibility cloak from Harry Potter." Out of the wall came an old man with a scar on his forehead. "YOU ROTTEN MUGGLES!" he said before Smithers tased him. The wizard disappeared. Smithers continued. "Put this on and you will disappear."

Alex snatched it from Smithers and put it on; he vanished. Smithers only saw the effects of the invisible Alex: five broken windows, two chairs shred apart, five pictures knocked off the wall, a filing cabinet knocked down, ten holes in the wall, and the plant on Smithers' desk was knocked over. Finally, Alex landed in a heap on the floor (after being tased several times.) Smithers asked: "What did you have for breakfast?"

Alex answered: "Seven bowls of FRUIT LOOPS!" Smithers nodded.

Alex Strider was saying goodbye to Jack. "Bye bye you little guy!"

Jack, always in the abuse of Alex, growled at him and hoped that he would die on this mission, something that had failed to happen several times already. She had faked some of these missions already to try and kill him, but he had always been sneaky and gotten away using his low IQ. In fact, she had sent in this little creature she had found in the basement that kept on repeating "PRECIOUSSSS!" and "Kill BAGGINSSS!" over and over again. He was already in Middle-Earth.

Alex stepped into the vehicle where this old guy with white hair was sitting. The old guy frowned. "You're a bit young to be an MI6 agent..." Alex just smiled. "I'm arrogant. Mr. Blunt says so." The old scientist nerd guy smirked. "That is correct, and Mr. Blunt is a rather intelligent man – although it doesn't take anyone with an IQ of ten to figure that out." Alex gave him a strange look. The old guy rolled his eyes. "Anyways, the instructions are very simple. Just choose a date and go really fast. Soon enough, you will reach an acceleration rate high enough to transport you to Middle-Earth in time for Bilbo Baggins' birthday party."

Alex smiled. "Today's my birthday! I'm ONE today!" The old guy growled at him, shut the door, and was immediately shot by Mrs. Jones' peppermint. She used a really low, fake voice. "Assassination done – mission… ACCOMPLISHED!" She held up the real gun in the air and started shooting bullets into the clouds. Smithers tased her. But by that time, Alex was zooming down the highway at 200 miles per hour. He could hear honks and screeches of tires all around him. He shouted out: "FORWARD TO THE PAAAAAAST!" His mind, a little slow, only realized several seconds later that he was supposed to be yelling "Back to the future," but by that time, he was long gone into space. Alan Blunt smiled. "I hope he dies." Mrs. Jones shot him with a peppermint and Smithers tased him.

**Coming soon is toe hair and other strange things (a slow-mo jiggly belly). Read on if you like this! And review often!**


	5. Chapter 5: Who on my toe's hair are you?

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics, cereal brands, Mr. T, and Alan Blunt. PLUS MORE!

**This chapter hopefully gives the story of the ring to help further in the narrative. I hope you laugh. I hope it's not becoming too corny. I hope people are ACTUALLY READING IT! Well, here it is.**

**Chapter 5: "Who on my toe's hair are you?"**

After several years of waiting, Frodo was becoming impatient. He had waited for Gandalf for more than a decade, and he was beginning to crave being turned into a toad. He blamed that on the Ring, but we all know how hobbits are. Finally one day, Gandalf appeared. "FRODO!" he said. "On my grey beard, it's been at least an age since I've seen you! Have elves disappeared yet?" Frodo gave him a strange look. Gandalf shrugged. "I know too much for my own good. Anyway. I caught Gollum and we had a little chat (with my friend the elfectronic chair). He told me a long story, and I've gathered a lot of information, and I've come to a wonderfully fantastic conclusion!" Frodo's eyes bulged. Gandalf smiled. "Fruit Loops is better than Captain Crunch! I've been wondering about it for several years, and Gollum–"

Frodo punched Gandalf in the belly, which jiggled in slow-motion. There was a long, awkward moment of silence, where all that could be heard was the clipping of Sam Gamgee's shears outside. Finally Gandalf talked again. "I have gone on many a route and to several places. I have found a long story and cut it short: basically, Isildur got the ring, Gollum stole it from the river, he went underground, Sauron's eye is searching, I'm awesome, and the black riders are actually white on the inside." Frodo blinked. Gandalf went on: "And there was something about orcs, and dragons, and danger, but I forget most of that. It's happier to think about butterflies and flowers and pipe." Gandalf puffed on his pipe, making the Olympic Rings symbol. The clipping wasn't happening.

"Frodo…" Gandalf continued. "You must go on a journey – a long perilous journey, mind you. Not like the one Bilbo took. That was petty compared to your journey." Frodo frowned. "I hate you Gandalf." Gandalf continued: "Put the ring into the fire, Frodo." Frodo screamed and yelled at Gandalf: "NO YOU STUPID EXCUSE FOR A WIZARD! WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS BOSSING ME AROUND AND TELLING ME WHAT TO DO?" Gandalf turned Frodo into a frog, and threw him into the fire. Frodo (the frog) croaked and jumped out. Gandalf turned him back. "OK," Frodo said simply.

After a few moments of being in the fire, Gandalf used his magical tongs to pull it out. "It's actually quite cool!" Gandalf exclaimed, putting the Ring in Frodo's hand. Smoke rose, and Frodo let out a blood-curdling scream that caused Gandalf to clamp his ears shut. He murmured a few Gandalfish words, and a bucket of water dumped on Frodo. Gandalf then took the ring and looked at it. "Just as I thought," he said. "It is the one ring to rule them all."

"How do you know that?" Frodo asked.

"_Other_ than this inscription here – 'The One Ring'?" Frodo shrugged. "Besides, there is elfish tongue that is pretty awesome, that says:

"One ring to rule them all, one ring to find them. One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them." Suddenly, Gandalf listened, and said: "You must go on your journey with a friend. But be careful of your choice. The enemy has many spies…" Gandalf suddenly reached down and picked up a squirming Sam Gamgee. "AHA!" At that moment, a large thing made of steel crashed into the side of the house, knocking Sam, Frodo, and Gandalf into the fire. They all quickly exited, jumping up and down around Bag End. The rug caught on fire. A boy, man, came out of the large rolling steel thing and shot out a white, foamy substance at the trio.

"What in blazes?" Gandalf yelled, followed by laughter by Sam. Frodo looked at the boy, who was sporting a black tuxedo, a black tie, black pants, black shoes, and a white shirt. He looked grim. "Who on my toe's hair are _you?_" Frodo exclaimed, pointing a shaky hand at the boy. The boy smiled. "The name's Strider, Alex Strider. But you can call me Alex." Gandalf's wizard hat suddenly popped off his head. "OH! So Alan Blunt sent you!" Alex grinned. "Gandy, don't be so condescending! We have important business! GIVE ME THE RING!" Frodo and Gandalf frowned. "Just kidding. I read the books and watched the movies already."

Gandalf furrowed his brow. "I thought Alan Blunt said that he would send one of the best and most reliable people to help us…" Gandalf spat out some white foam. "But, I suppose that one more corpse in the closet won't hurt." Alex smiled. "I have five in mine." Gandalf sighed. The other two hobbits rolled their eyes and sat on the wet floor. "Alan Blunt – _that blunt guy! _– says that I'm arrogant." Gandalf nodded. "Arrogant and spy." Alex jumped up, ready for action "How do YOU know the first chapter's title."

"BECAUSE I'M MAGIC, PITIFUL FOOL!"

They all sat down. "Three's company," Frodo said, "four's just a nuisance."

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Next chapter I will make the dialogue a bit easier. Get ready for Willy Wonka, Alice in Wonderland, Shocking Saruman, and more! Plus the epic battle scene between two wizards. TO COME!**


	6. Chapter 6: Colourful Characters

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics, Party Rock Anthem, and SOOOO much more!

**In this new installment in the epic narrative, we find Frodo bringing the One Ring on its journey - Alex receiving the blunt of the fist. We also see a spoof of the LotR's Gandalf/Saruman wizard fight. ENJOY!**

**Chapter 6: Colourful Characters**

"Can I ride the wagon?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Gandalf said–"

"I don't give a COW what Gandalf said – you're walking."

Alex was arguing (as usual) with the new (well, not really – just new to the course of this narrative) friend Meriadoc Brandybuck (for short, Merry).

"Merry had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb!" Alex began, but was struck by Sam.

"If you say one more word, I'm going to punch up your nose until you look like a little doggy! And if you put one hand on Mr. Frodo…"

"Mista Frodo! I will die for you, Mista Frodo! I will not be selfish, Mista Frodo! I will–"

Sam punched Alex in the face, scrunching up his nose so that he looked like a pug.

"Sam!" Frodo said, pushing Alex's nose back down until it looked normal.

"I'm a jellyfish!" Alex said. He floated around, pinching the others and pretending that he was sting them. Finally, in a burst of frustration, Merry punched Alex in the head, knocking him unconscious.

"Good work!" exclaimed Sam, delighted.

Merry sighed. "Why does Pippin always get the easy work?" (For the rather ignorant, Pippin's real name is Peregrine Took. That's right. And also, Merry and Pippin are male hobbits, although it sounds an awful lot like they are women.)

Meanwhile, Gandalf was going on a magical adventure through Middle-Earth. First, he stopped at Willy Wonka's for some more magical cocoa beans. While there, he continued his research on hobbit-oompa loompa similarities. He then went down the rabbit hole and had tea with the Queen, all the while being bothered by a persistent rabbit telling him to give his watch back. When he exited, he left a magical treat for any snooper – a small glass of beverage that would cause the drinker to shrink in size, causing a chain of events leadin got – well, just read the other book.

Gandalf then found himself travelling toward Isengard, Saruman's tower (Saruman the White, by the way; and NOT white and nerdy – white and EVIL! (Whoops, THAT WAS A SPOILER!)) So, Gandalf went into the black tower of Orthanc (Well, you sort of HAVE to think he's evil with a black tower.) and visited with Saruman.

"Ah, GANDALF! My old friend… I like what you've done with your beard!"

"Saruman! I am glad that you agree. I went to 'Ye Olde Barber Shoppe' by the Sea of Rhûn. Really, it's quite remarkable what they can do with a comb and a few toothpicks!"

"But I imagine that you have not come to discuss your beard. I have heard pressing matters, and through it all I have learned one or two things."

"Ah, yes, so have I." Gandalf snickered. "_I KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T KNOW!_"

Saruman frowned. "Gandalf, I am ashamed of you from using such a tone with me. Do I need to send you to the time-out chair? Or would you prefer something else."Saruman took off his robe. Cringing, Gandalf turned around.

"Saruman! Is it really necessary to do that? I mean, this is T-rated – NOT M!"

Saruman chuckled. "Turn around." Gandalf did not turn around. "TURN AROUND OR I'LL PUT YOU IN TIME-OUT!" Gandalf turned around and let out a gasp.

"WOW! Where'd you get that?"

Saruman smiled. "I was out near Barad-dûr – that's right: 'The-place-that-must-not-be-named' and–"

"Mordor…" Gandalf whispered, followed by a cough from Saruman

"What about 'Must-not-be-named' do you not UNDERSTAND? Anyways, I was visiting Sauron and he gave me this little trinket. A trifle, if you will."

"That's a rather big little trinket."

"Yes. I have been upgraded from Saruman the White to – drumroll please…"

A blue guy popped out of the wall and started a drumroll, followed by a fanfare of trumpets. "Saruman… OF MANY COLOURS!" Saruman did a funky dance to techno music. Gandalf looked at the strange sight, his eyes finally resting on a sphere positioned on podium. Gandalf gasped, picked up his staff, and made the blue people disappear.

"Saruman… I cannot believe that you stole the Palantír of Orthanc."

Saruman gave Gandalf a condescending look. "Gandy, this is the Palantír of _Orthanc!_ Do you think I stole it from myself?"

Gandalf gave Saruman a stern look. "The ways of the Palantír are far beyond either of our knowledge! Even Saruman does not know it completely. I read it on Wikipedia!"

Saruman smiled. "As a colourful character, I have FAR more powerful that YOU will ever be!" And with that he picked up his wand and started dancing. Gandalf smiled. In his younger years, he had been the dance master at Hogwarts. But it seemed that Saruman had picked up some talent with his new robe. But Gandalf had more tricks up his sleeve...

"Everyday I'm shuffling!" Gandalf sang after a short pause. Suddenly, weird, music came on. Gandalf, already in the groove, started shuffling. Saruman shut his ears with his hands, the music invading his mind and his skull. But then he smiled. He started to out-grooving Gandalf, gaining power in the dance-out! Gandalf seemed to be in a rut...

**To be continued...**

**Next, we will see what is going to happen to Gandalf. Is the movie right? Or will Gandalf out-dance Saruman? There's only two ways to know - read my brain, or read the next chapter! I hope people are reading this, 'cause i don't want to be talking to no one! Next chapter, shroom-shrooms and trippy elves!**


	7. Chapter 7: Mario's Rainbow Surf Rudeness

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics

**This chapter is mostly a continuation of the "epic" duel between two wizards. There are a few elements of Rider, but very little. Get ready for strangeness. And I hope that someone is reading this... because I don't seem to have anyone reading this so far...**

**Chapter 7: Mario's Rainbow Surf Rudeness**

By the time Alex woke (quite groggily, since (if you forget...) he had been struck by miniature hobbits in a faraway place called Middle-Earth), he was beginning to feel like himself. He stretched. His arms and abs were hurting. Later, he would be told that he had been doing push-ups and sit-ups in his sleep, and the hobbits had had a hard time getting him to stay still. Alex had a hard time stretching, though. And he discovered the real reason his arms and legs were hurting. He screamed like a girl that has seen a black widow. (Spider, that is.)

Gandalf was getting tired. He had been shuffling for several days now, and he was just starting to get tired. Saruman, although he looked to be an age older than Gandalf, was no less than FIVE ages older! And he was still shuffling strong. Finally, Gandalf screamed: "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I WANT MOZART!"

Instantly, a Beatles song came up. "We all live in a Yellow Submarine..." With a cry of frustration, Gandalf picked up his staff and shot Saruman across the room. He landed with a thud. The music suddenly broke into the Hallelujah Chorus. Saruman got up and picked up his staff – ALL THE COLOURS OF THE RAINBOW! And suddenly, Gandalf the racist wizard wasn't racist anymore!

But that is a secondary occurrence. Saruman shot out a rainbow at Gandalf, giving him just enough time to grab a surf board from the wall and start riding the rapids. Little piranha fish jumped out and tried to nip Gandalf, but he shot fireballs at them. Suddenly, he felt himself skid out of control. The rainbow turned into dry land. A box with a question mark appeared over Gandalf's head, and he jumped. A little blue flower popped out. Gandalf ate it and shot out an ice ball. He smiled, and shot more out. A goomba suddenly attacked him and he lost the flower. A koopa kid smacked his face, and he went through a short period of down-sizing. Saruman suddenly took back the rainbow.

He also stole Gandalf's staff, which, in my opinion, is pretty rude. I mean, they're both wizards, and we all know that the only thing wizards can do is say spells and make fireworks – right? I know wrong. But it still was sort of rude. But now I'm sounding like Andrew Clements.

So Saruman stole the staff (RUDE!) and then he made Gandalf turn in circles on the floor (I suppose that the movie is pretty truthful!). Finally, he said: "I gave you the chance of aiding me willingly, but you have elected the way of pain!"

Gandalf frowned. "Two things. No, three. PUT ME DOWN YOU OLD FOOL!" Saruman let Gandalf down. "Number two, I elected Stephen Harper – NOT always the best choice, mind you. Do you know–"

"GET ON WITH IT YOU YOUNG FOOL!"

Gandalf smiled. "You never gave me a choice."

"Oh." Saruman scratched his head. "So… do you wanna join me on my evil destruction course through Middle-Earth? We're going to have a cool bonfire of the ents and a feast of chocolate!"

"No."

"Oh."

Saruman started spinning Gandalf into the air. "Well, you really HAVE elected pain – and Stephen Harper, I suppose. I voted for Jack Layton. Shame of his passing." The two wizards took off their hats and remained silent for two whole minutes. At then end, a tear slipped down Gandalf's cheek.

Saruman and Gandalf conversed on petty subjects for a few minutes before Saruman continued spinning Gandalf, before launching him up in the air to the magical balcony of Orthanc. Saruman still had Gandalf's staff. He held up his index finger and said, "_RUDE!_"

Back with the hobbits, Alex Strider was finally figuring out why his arms and legs were REALLY hurting. He hurtled out another blood-curdling scream (including some pieces of peanut butter. He hadn't brushed his teeth.) He realized that he was tied down to the wagon. Sam and Frodo and Merry were singing a cheerful song about roses and violets and other cool things, while Alex was strapped to the wagon of torture! He sighed. It would be a long day.

And it certainly was!

**READERS' NOTE!**

Before you read anymore, I must warn you that this story is taking after both the book and the movie – so those who have read the book but have not seen the movie will be confused, those who have seen the movie but not read the book will be confused. Those who have read the book and seen the movie will not be confused. And those who have never even heard of Aragorn… well, you're in for a treat!

**AND NOW YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!**

For, in a while, they got to a point in the road where Frodo heard some strange sounds.

"Hey, guys, I hear some strange sounds, so let's hide in a ditch. I mean, there's nothing to validate the fact that it's evil or anything, I just heard some strange sounds." He took a breath. They hid in a ditch.

If you were reading the narrative before the '**READERS' NOTE!**' you will have noticed that Alex was tied down to the wagon of torture (!). So, when he heard the strange sounds and when everyone hid in the ditch, Alex was slightly afraid. So, to pass the time, he did his Mr. Bean impression.

The horse hooves trotted jollily down the lane. Sam looked at Frodo. "That's not a strange sound, that's actually pretty jolly!" Frodo slapped Sam in the cheek. Up on the road, the jolly sound suddenly turned menacing. There was a jingle. A _nasty_ jingle. But the words to this jingle have been long forgotten, the only remembered fact being that it went to the tune of the Pizza-Pizza song – and by that, the old one. Anyway, Alex Strider Mr. Beaned his way out of the wagon and hopped around. A black horse with a black rider dressed in a black cloak and wearing a black tiara suddenly appeared. Alex continued his Mr. Bean impression.

Meanwhile, the rider dipped his head over the ditch. A millipede crawled over Sam. The rider sniffed. All was silent, save the strange grunts that Alex was making. The rider sniffed again. He thought: 'My, is that hobbit I smell? YES! Good, I'll just – you mean that I'm not supposed to get the hobbits yet? Aw, rats. Sauron will kill me! … True that, I'm already dead!' So, the rider pretended he didn't sniff the hobbits, and got back on his horse – who kicked Alex sharply – and they then set off, whistling a dark tune – the jungle of Sauron.

And all the little children sighed, brushed the dirt (and millipedes…) off their clothes, and started whistling the awesome jingle of Sauron.

**The next chapter will include the elves and mushrooms... Remember: read much, review often. Because if you DON'T read much, review often, you won't review often, read much! PS, this is a funny story. Especially when we get to the content I'm so excited for...**


	8. Chapter 8: WARNING!

WARNING: The next chapter involves happiness, elves, and one or two Middle Earth drug references. If you are in your mother's womb or younger, supervision by Santa Clause is required. Thank you.


	9. Chapter 9: Elves are LOST!

ALEX STRIDER:

Bored of the Rings

An Alex Rider-Lord of the Rings Parody

Written by Nathan Labonté

Including parodies of Santa Clause, Back to the Future, Harry Potter, James Bond, the Olympics

**I have never seen LOST. I don't claim to have seen it. But I have read some about it, enough to write this chapter. So read and I hope this brings happiness and ATP to your body (oh, the good 'ol ATP joke!...look it up.)  
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**Chapter 9: Elves are LOST!**

So, they set off down the road into the forest. No, not the Old Forest. That's coming. They entered the magical forest of elves. I'm using short sentences. Sorry, that was unnecessary. Pardon the prose. They entered the forest which was brilliantly lit with streamers and flashlights galore, which illuminated the smiley faces scratched on the trees. Sam let out a huff and a puff of breath. "I don't like this Mr. Frodo, not one bit."

"Well… at least we have sharp knives to use in defense!" He then looked over at Alex, who had the hilt of a knife sticking out of his throat. He swallowed. "NOOOOOOO!" Frodo cried. He scrambled to get behind Alex and performed the Heimlich maneuver. The knife seemed to be stuck in Alex's throat, so he just continued coughing. Sam and Merry got behind Frodo and did the Heimlich on him too. Eventually, it was just a circle of people causing each other to empty their stomachs. Except for Alex. All the sharp knives were stuck in his stomach. They had no protection left.

It was at that moment that a sound erupted from the middle of the forest. But the forest had turned into a jungle. The hobbits and Alex had eaten the mushrooms. But they were magical mushrooms, a bit like those in Mario Kart and Super Mario. Soon after, they had all fallen into a deep sleep. And then Jack had woken them up. "Yo, guys, welcome to the jungle!"

**READERS' NOTE!**

I have never seen an episode of LOST (although I want to) and I have no idea about much of the TV show at all. So any references made to LOST are made with the intention of being humorous, not factually accurate. Does Jack say yo? Probably not. So everything is going to be out of place. Just saying.

**AND NOW YOUR FEATURE PRESENTATION!**

Alex rubbed his head. The hobbits got up. Alex did not. A dog licked his face. "Whoops!" said Jack. "Wrong episode." And so he forced the dog into a little computer, where the flash-forward sound happened. The dog disappeared from the screen with a howl. Jack shrugged. "Works every time. If I don't want to deal with an issue on the island, I just send it to the future or to an alternate universe. No biggy!"

Suddenly, a dark shadow appeared, swirling in the mist. Jack took out a knife (a replica of the ones Alex swallowed. Who woulda guessed?) and threw it at the swirling cloud of blackness. The blackness coughed and the flashback sound started. Merry groaned and ate another mushroom. Suddenly, Jack died. He had slipped on a banana peel which Alex had thrown on the ground in a fit of frustration. They flashed sideways to an alternate universe where Jack hadn't died, and he was singing a song to himself as he sat in a comfortable chair. They flashed forward and backward and sideways and skinnyways (and all those other Willy Wonka ways) until they arrived back at the present they had been in a while ago – in which a dog had licked Alex. But Jack was no longer there. And instead of a blackness cloud in the mist there was a smoke monster named Barry.

"OH MY!" said a woman who appeared on the beach. "Where's Jack and the others?"

Alex smirked. "Jack and Kate plus eight, only the eight are not here. Where are they, Kate?" Alex received a smack.

The Man in Black (no, not the monster-fighting dude, the monster) did the hokey-pokey and he turned himself around, giving Kate the opportunity to stab him in the back. The flash-death sound started, and Alex found himself in limbo. The hobbits were doing the limbo. Except Frodo, who was doing something weird. But, anyway, suddenly an explosion sound happened and the hobbits with Alex were back in Middle-Earth. Frodo rubbed his eyes and let out a "WOOHOO!" They all ate some more magic mushrooms and tripped out.

When they woke up, they were still in the world of "What the heck?" They could barely move, let alone get up. They then noticed that pointed-ear creatures were standing above them.

Frodo began: "Who–" All of a sudden the creatures started dancing around in a circle and doing the Paw-Paw Patch. Alex rubbed his eyes and smiled, the tips of his lips curving up.

"They're elves!"

Sam suddenly had the power. "ELVES!" he screamed, getting up and dancing to techno music. Everything was sort of trippy as they danced around, doing the Hokey Pokey – because that's what it's all about! Alex and Merry got up and started dancing too, doing strange robotic movements with their ear tips – just like the elves! Sam was so elated something strange happened to him. His body flushed itself of all traces of the poisonous mushrooms. He gasped and gobbled like a turkey, his throat bobbling around. Frodo had already realized what was happening, and was slapping Merry to try and wake her.

"MISTA FRODO!" Alex yelled in his stupor, still dancing to techno music against the tree. Merry awoke, accidentally kicking the tree. They all screamed and ran away until they got to the quaint house in Buckland. Frodo sniffed. "I MISS YOU!"

**FAST FORWARD!**

Basically, they all arrive and realize that Merry and Pippin are going to go with Frodo, Sam, and Alex (who again practiced Mr. Bean). Fatty is going to stay at the house and guard it (with his mounds of blubber!) against dark-skinned (black is politically incorrect) riders of MORDOR! Wow, this is quite a fantastic narrative! It must be written by J.R.R. Tolkien!

**PRESENT TIME!**

"Well, let's go!" said Frodo and they headed off into the moon-set – if that even exists.

**So, our heroes (and Alex) have set off, with the Fat one left behind. Next chapter will deal with the Old Forest - where the trees walk and bears are stuffed. Christopher Robin is going to be filling in for our friend Tom Bombadil who is away on vacation, so it will be pretty cool. ENJOY! REMEMBER TO REVIEW!**


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